Last night I was able to partake in smoking some of our earth mother’s finest herbs. Having never had a deep rooted interest in experimenting with substances before (beside some flavored tobacco, tea and clove cigarettes) as I am somewhat anti-social, and skeptical. I had done a decent amount of reading about marijuana, enough to know what I could relatively expect. You might think this is irrelevant, because everyone tried it, why is this special? But ‘everyone else’ will smoke weed because it’s there, because they are mindless and feel that it is an initiation rite, because their personal lives are too boring and they use it to cope. Me, I have an awesome life. I struggle tons more than the normal human being, due for my ideologies and militant subversive nature, so I come to terms with those things through other means. I meditate, or do yoga, or take long isolated nature walks and try to understand the language of the animals. I don’t seek out these substance every day in order just to add it to a list of things I’ve smoked or drank. I never was seduced by a pre-packaged ‘enlightenment’ or ‘instant high’. These phenomena in life was be obtained organically. I also believe understanding your own body intimately is the first process before even trying anything that can induce an altered state of consciousness.
I started smoking the herbs while watching a documentary about the Tibetan Kalachakra initiations. The chanting and images of monks, and nature helped me get into the mood. The marijuana was not the most potent strain, but fine for a first time. I had not been breathing/inhaling it properly the first time, but eventually learned to make the smoke flow down my throat, breathing out the remnants and letting the tetrahydrocannabinol crystals work their essence through me. I still felt very material at this stage, but a filling in my heart region was taking place. The space inside kept expanding and moving upwards through my chakras, from the anahate to vishudda after about 20 minutes, then the ajna in another 10, and crown in another 5. Time was starting to mingle together, and fold in on itself.
For the next 20 minutes, I was feeling a mindfuck with my identity. I was on my bed at this time, looking at myself, at my limbs, and observing the way I was moving. I felt like I was my anima, in my female alter spirit that I have only ever been able to access through external sources like a photo, or hearing the voice of a woman, or sensual contact in some way with them. More specifically, I was in the body of my mate whom I have not met in person yet, and she lives in the UK, separated by a vast ocean. This felt rooted in the internal, even though the herb was coming into me. It grew inwards to outwards, not the other way around. The female spirit gracefully just took over me. I think this may have been a reaction of my inner need to connect to this divine female inside that is often suppressed despite my efforts, thus my body could have taken it’s form without restriction. Then came relaxation, and patience and the flow of my ideas. I noticed I was speaking in a more zen-focused way, my movements were more subtle, yet moving across the fabric of life like pictures, and I felt more sexual from this point on to the rest of the night.
Without intention it seemed that my five bodily senses were set to be enhanced as well. I ate directly after this, in my room already filled with the plumes, and perceived the scents even more potent now. The food tasted fuller, similar to when you eat in the dark, the sensory deprivation automatically makes your taste feel stronger because it is stimulated more directly when you suppress the need to see what you are eating. An aspect of obeying a different law of physics came as well, while walking and standing. I had been going to a black metal concert this night, and whilst I walked or attained stillness, I observed that what was in front of me would reverse its axis, and it would appear behind me, or I would be turned around. I also felt an extreme sense of non-temporal life. Every moment was lasting three moments. On how I could envision this, it was like I was shifting identities with my normal self, my purely unconscious self, and an absence of me. These were divided equally, thus every third moment of ‘time’ I was normal, but during the anti-conscious moments, I would be left as animal, and the unconscious would create the cause and effect of that frame. (The unconscious has been studied adamantly to show it is the majority of our thinking power, and often overrides what we ‘think’ we do or know). I felt a comfort with the anti-conscious self and thus did not aim to disrupt it. The other third moment was an absent self, this was when all awakened activity would cease and I would forget portions of what was happening, but not so intense that I felt vulnerable. To say I perceived myself on a threshold between just enough and not far enough was humbling, because I had been able to control the self, but this time not from a strictly material self, but as if observing from the outside, and relying on patterned memory. The other thing that came to me was being in between two polar forces pulling me in both direction. There was a sphere of light emanating from my eyes (representing the material, living self, and the future), and another but darker sphere behind my head (representing the dead self, the past that no longer mattered). Both were tilted in a way so the lighter sphere pointed lightly upward and the duller one aimed towards the ground. Each were trying to drag me into that plane of existence while I was experiencing everything in the center, as the equilibrium.
Alas, I made it to the concert. The music immediately took on a higher plateau of sensory experience but with couple with the instinct of being non-attached. I could not get fully absorbed in it. The sexual feelings from the beginning of the night were still prevailing, and I had wild fetishes running through my head, while also less carnal feelings of what may be called love. It was love in some sense towards an identity connection which represented itself in the form of hundreds of metal rebels. I constantly wanted to speak, to tell someone what was going on, and possibly engage in one way or another, but could not. The instinct came heavy, yet my ironic lack of social skills made me timid. It felt almost tangible that I could not even when I wanted to, even though I know that is irrational thinking. The atemporal space was continuing, and it seemed the music lasted 3 times longer. I felt that I had been watching the bands for 3 hours instead of their pre-determined set times.
The on-setting feeling of loneliness, or gloominess came after I had returned home, but this might also be from just leaving a usually very stimulating atmosphere and then being taken away. The pre-experience downfall. In the morning I felt returned to normal, my old self, clear minded again and have acquired some Damiana, and Kava, with some Marijuana left from this use to induce with when the next time comes. And I will be sure to write if anything happens.
:aferalspirit: 